@notviking

if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone

my boss: didn’t i fire you last week

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@kwirkyKerri

There are directions with pictures on this underarm deodorant. Yet another disaster avoided.

@Sickayduh

Christian epileptics don’t appreciate when you tell them “Jesus is the reason for the seizin”

@astutenewf

When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

@trevso_electric

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

@thenatewolf

Rabbits are either running or being a statue. You never see a rabbit strolling.

@haggierto

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

@HausOfAustin

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

@JasonLastname

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

@GabbbarSingh

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.