my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
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If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*