if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
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People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
christening a ship with an overripe banana
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.