If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
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*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.