If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
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DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.