if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
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Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
New comic up. “Ransom”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.