if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
my mind
You just read my mind
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
one week till the election
