if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
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*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.