Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Priest: You may now kiss the bride.

Me: Do I have to?

And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

“We will wed,” I threatened

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.