if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
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Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”