if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
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Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
just left a huge legacy in there
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?