If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
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Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.