If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
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“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
this is uni
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Money is the root of all wealth
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years