If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
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Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
boat question
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.