If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
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*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.