If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
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Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.