If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
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Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
screw you
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.