If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
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came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
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ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
How do dragons blow out candles?
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.