If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
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The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
The Struggle
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
😅🤣😂
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!