Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.