if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
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*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
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me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
he looks great for his age
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You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
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My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.