if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.