Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.