If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
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After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”