if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
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*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
🤣🤣🤣
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
