if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
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I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
That’s it.I’m out.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces