Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

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“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.