Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.