If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
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If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.