If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
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ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
That earthquake could have been an email.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.