If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
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Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.