If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
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When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!