if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
