if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
