if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
This hospital has everything
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
