if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
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If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Rambo Rambow
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
john wicks are toilet candles
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me