Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]