Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

A dad and his duck

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*