If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
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•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.