Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

like swimming in quick dry cement

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!