If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
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When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”