If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
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Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.