if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
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Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work