If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
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A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.