If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
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Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
*mops up wine with cat*
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting