If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
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“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.