If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
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ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?