Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

Cause of death: Zumba

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.