if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
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2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I beg you to euthanise me
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want