if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
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*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Not all heroes wear capes.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
