Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?

Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.