If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
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Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
getting corrected
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.