If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
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Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with