If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
thinking about a very short hotdog
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.