If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
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Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.