If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
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what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Talk about a bad egg
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.