If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
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Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
who’s gonna tell her?
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live