If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
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Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir