If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
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Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Feel. He’s so soft.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Called it
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
the three branches of government
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings