if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
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– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Can confirm.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!