if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
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Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
getting groceries
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.