if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
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Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead