if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
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The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no