If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
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Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
This probably isn’t good
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Money is the root of all wealth
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.