If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
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[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
real
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
The cashier just checked me out.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Green is just blue that someone peed in