if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
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Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
based
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene