if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
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Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
No one:
London landlords:
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
plant them where lol
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…