if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
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[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Meow
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.