If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
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DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?