If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
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“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married