If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
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I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*