If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
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Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
How can I say no to this ?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Barbie gone wild
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?