If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
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My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.